In Search of the New American Dream
Survival Guide for LGBT Home-Hunters in Search of the New American Dream
By Beverly West

With marriage on our minds these days, and words like family, and home, and forever on the tips of our tongues, it's no wonder that more and more gay and lesbian couples are starting to think about settling down in a home of their own and living happily ever after. But finding and closing on that cozy bungalow built for two isn't quite as easy as it looks in the fairytales.

Buying a home is a stressful and sometimes perplexing life passage for everybody. For gay and lesbian families, who have to wrestle with a whole set of special circumstances such as survivorship rights, tolerance issues, and Realtors who still think Beyonce is a new kind of fabric softener, home-hunting can throw up some pretty formidable speed bumps on the highway to happiness. If you and your partner are in the market for your own little corner of the world, here are a few survival tips from the experts on how to find and secure your very own piece of the rainbow.

Find a Realtor Who Speaks your Language

The most important first step in any home-hunt is to find a gay or a gay-friendly Realtor who understands your lifestyle, and knows his or her way around the gay community. In other words, it's a big help to have somebody on your side who knows where to find the best haircuts, the best happy hours, AND the hottest houses in town.

"It's important to have an agent representing you that you are comfortable talking to about your most personal concerns," said Jeff Hammerberg, President of GayRealEstate.com, a free online referral service for gay and lesbian home buyers and sellers, listing over 4,000 gay and gay-friendly member real estate agencies worldwide. "Your agent should be someone that you can trust absolutely to represent your best interests, free of bias, and who is familiar with the gay community in your new city or town."

Some gay and lesbian home-hunters have had some bad experiences working with agents who had little understanding, or worse, openly disapproved of their gay clients. "Nan and Jenny came to me after a very bad experience," recalled David Holihan, a Home Purchase Advisor for Prudential Georgia Realty in Atlanta. "They were a lesbian couple with a child who had been matched up with a very conservative Realtor. Nan and Jenny felt that this first realtor disapproved of their relationship. As a result, they didn't feel comfortable discussing their likes and dislikes. They were only being shown homes in downtown gay areas, which weren't at all right for their lifestyle. As a gay Realtor, I understood that gay and lesbian individuals are first and foremost individuals. Just because you're gay, doesn't necessarily mean you want to live in a gay neighborhood downtown. We found Nan and Jenny the home of their dreams in suburban Atlanta, where they are now living happily ever after."

Many new LGBT homeowners, however, say that they have had very positive experiences with straight agents. 'My partner and I had a very good experience with a realtor who wasn't actually listed as a gay-friendly Realtor, but treated us as though we were her own sons," said Kurt, who recently relocated from Ohio to Nashville with his partner Steven. "But when we relocated to a different state and only had a few weekends to find a house, we decided to contact GayRealEstate.com for a little extra comfort with the whole process. The Realtor we were referred to did a great job at making us feel at ease and welcome. Being gay herself, she could understand the situation and we felt we could trust her to show us neighborhoods that we would feel comfortable in."

Most gay and lesbian home-hunters found that working with a gay or a gay-friendly Realtor made it easier to express themselves openly, gave them a fuller understanding of their new neighborhood, and ultimately increased their chances of finding and closing on their dream home.

Your Realtor is Your First New Friend

Particularly if you're relocating to a new city or state where you don't know many people, your real estate agent will most likely be your first new friend, who will introduce you to the community. A good Realtor can be as instrumental in helping you find new friends as he or she is in finding you a new home. So another very good reason to choose a gay Realtor is because they have gay friends.

"Steve Farst, our Realtor at REMAX Elite was wonderful," said Rich, who recently relocated from Boston to Tampa with his partner Matt. "We moved to Tampa on November 18. We didn't know anybody and were looking forward to a pretty lonely Christmas that year. But Steve made sure we were invited to every party that holiday season. He was just wonderful, and made us feel so welcome in our new home. We'll never forget it."

A gay Realtor can also help introduce you to the resources that your new LGBT community has to offer. "I am my clients' best resource," says Jack LeVine, a Realtor at Keller Williams Real Estate in Las Vegas. "I'm gay, and I've been with the same partner for 23 years, and we've lived in this area together for almost that long. I know everybody in town; I know all of the resources available to the gay community. I'm one of the founders of our Gay Chamber of Commerce. So I'm not only introducing new home buyers to homes, but to the community."

Be Realistic

Just like finding a partner, finding a home is easier when you let go of that perfect dream house in your mind, and let up a little on those unrealistic expectations that can leave you feeling disappointed with the real homes that are available in the real world. "Forget the fantasy," said Felicia Phoenix at Prudential Fox and Roach in Devon, Pennsylvania. "I think everybody starts with their dream home perfectly constructed in their minds. When they let go of their mental picture, reality looks a little less pale by comparison. That's when they can start to make some reality-based decisions about what they can and cannot live without."

Don't Be Afraid to Think Out of the Box

Many gays and lesbians also have to let go of some preconceptions and fears about being rejected or harassed by their prospective new communities, which can make them unwilling to move into suburban areas, and relegate themselves instead to traditionally "gay" neighborhoods, whether or not this actually fits their lifestyle. Safety is a genuine concern however, and there are some steps you can take to make sure that your new neighborhood is a safe and friendly one, like contacting the local police department, and finding out what the crime history of your prospective new neighborhood has been.

"The number two question people always ask is 'will I be safe?' This generally means will I be safe from crime, and will it be a problem that I'm gay? I tell my clients that none of my clients has had a negative experience with their choice of home or location whether they purchased in the inner city or suburbia. For those clients who have a heightened fear or concern about safety, I suggest they call the local police department in their area of interest and ask pertinent questions about crime rate, types of crimes, history of hate crimes, etc. The police can give you a pretty good safety snapshot of any given neighborhood."

Most of the Realtors and homebuyers I spoke with agree that many of their initial fears were unfounded. "When we moved into our new neighborhood in Tampa, we were more concerned with being the youngest people on the block than the gayest," Rich said. "Of course, we did employ a gay friendly real estate agency, as well as a gay mortgage company, but we set up joint bank accounts and such at our local Bank of America without any trouble at all and everyone we dealt with was very helpful and friendly right from the beginning. We felt very welcome. It seems that America is beginning to accept the fact that we are here to stay and a voice to be heard. Even Dick Cheyney!"

"We have gay and lesbian clients that relocate to traditionally gay areas, but we have just as many that buy homes in suburban Middle America, and are very happy there," said Jeff Hammerberg. "In all my years at GayRealEstate.com, I've never had a client who has been victimized by their neighbors for being gay. Sure there are bound to be bigots in any neighborhood. You can even find them in "gay" neighborhoods, but you can't let fear become a deciding factor when you're constructing the lifestyle of your dreams."

Make Sure that you have the Same Survivorship Rights as a Married Couple

For gay and lesbian couples, there is additional legal work that must be done in order to ensure the survivorship rights of both partners. This adds a whole new dimension of complexity to the closing process, which is already perplexing enough for many new homebuyers. "You need an experienced agent who understands your lifestyle, and how to protect your assets, particularly when it comes to rights of survivorship in the absence of legal marriage," said David Holihan. "These provisions, which ensure ownership rights for both partners in the event that one of the partners dies or becomes disabled, should be accomplished at the time of closing or it can become very complicated to correct afterward. It's important to have a representative, therefore, who knows how to ensure that the proper survivorship provisions are included, and see to it that you and your partner will enjoy the same rights as a married couple would, regardless of whether there is one name on the mortgage, or two."

Enlist the Support of a Guardian Angel

All of the gay and lesbian home-hunters I spoke with began their search on the Internet, and enlisted the support of a free-to-the-consumer real estate matchmaking service like GayRealEstate.com, HomeLounge.com, or LesbianHomes.com, which led them to a gay or a gay-friendly Realtor. This turned out to be their first and best step.

"I found our gay real estate agency through GayRealEstate.com and they put me in touch With Steve, who in turn led me to gay-friendly bankers, a gay-friendly mortgage company, and a new group of gay friends," Rich said. "This was Matt and my only chance to buy a house. We'd planned and worked a long time for this, and it turned out to be everything we'd every dreamed of. I can't say enough about how well we were represented."

"Our mission at GayRealEstate.com is to ensure that members of the LGBT community have a resource that can guide them to quality agents who will represent them with understanding and insight, and without bias," said Hammerberg. " We keep tabs on our member agencies to ensure fair treatment, and hold our clients' hands all the way through this sometimes hair-raising process, to make sure that their new American dream comes true."

© Beverly West, All Rights Reserved

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